


swimming through sick lullabies (choking on your alibis)

by absolutemperor4 (ShadoWolf55)



Category: Secret Bridesmaids' Business (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Unrequited Love, Weddings, but is it really hmmmmm, lowkey, saskia being my favourite hot bisexual lawyer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-22 09:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22714048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadoWolf55/pseuds/absolutemperor4
Summary: The curtains were drawn and there before her stood a real Queen, covered in rare, Spanish lace. It was a magnificent A line wedding dress with a heart shaped neckline, the bottom covered with layers of Tulle cloth. The smile immediately dropped from Saskia’s face as her envy took over, surveying every inch of the dress before taking a step back to get the full picture. Olivia looked like an angel and Saskia had sworn she could have broken down right then. It was all too close to home, this should be unfolding before crowds of guests in front of a priest, not in a small wedding dress shop with Olivia’s mother, Melanie and the store owner. She stood by the side, tensing her jaw and remaining silent while the rest raved over Olivia’s dress. Saskia was aware she was the only one that didn’t seem entirely excited but for once she didn’t care. She just wished they could get this over and done with faster and she can excuse herself from her own personal hell. Olivia turned to face her, eyes gleaming with expectations and Saskia blurted out whatever came to mind first.“You look…” The tip of her lips tilted upwards slightly. “You look amazing.”-----or: sbb with a much gayer twist
Relationships: Olivia Cotterill/Saskia De Merindol
Comments: 9
Kudos: 66





	swimming through sick lullabies (choking on your alibis)

**Author's Note:**

> katie mcgrath distracted me with her intense jawline i accidentally rewatched the whole thing like 2 times while writing this so it’s late, my bad, but just in time for valentine’s day! hooray :)) anyways its a self indulgent canon compliant-ish piece, i've blatantly ignore some storylines so that it's more saskia-centric  
> \-----  
> me jumping between tenses: pArKoUr ! i’ve lost my sense of grammar, all mistakes are mine.  
> \-----  
> [alternative title was wish that you would hold me (or just say that you were mine) from lana del rey fuck it i love you]

To say she had always loved Olivia was quite possibly, the greatest understatement in the century.

Saskia could barely find the courage to drive up to Olivia’s vineyard the day of her cancer-versary, knowing full well what was going to take place after. In her defense, she never entertained the idea that it was going to happen someday, Olivia would get married off to someone and she would be stuck with this horrible crush. The first sip of wine slips down her throat, leaving behind a small burning sensation that made everything feel a little better. She barely pays much attention to what Olivia and Melanie are saying and focused her gaze on Olivia. Her brain ran wild with insane possibilities of a future together, her eyes filled with longing and desire. She almost wished Olivia hadn’t caught sight of the strings in the vineyard and the sign that read “Follow me”. Ok, correction, she absolutely wished that did not happen. 

Saskia tilted her head slightly as Melanie spun around. “Maybe we should just do what it says,” Melanie chuckled and ushered Olivia to the vines.

Saskia threw her hands out and shrugged, “Or maybe we should just stay here and drink.” She was met with a look of disbelief from Olivia and rolled her eyes as she followed the duo along the lines of string.  _ Oh well, she’s definitely going to need the alcohol. _ As Olivia neared the end of the string, she swallowed a gulp, hanging back with Melanie to watch the proposal unfold. Her lips curved upwards slightly as she witnessed the utter joy on Olivia’s face. Alex did make Olivia happy, and Olivia’s happiness was all she really cared about, wasn’t it? Hearing her say “Yes!” was like a punch to the gut and she did all she could to maintain the celebratory smile on her face. For a moment, she allowed herself to live in an alternate reality, where she was at the end of the string, holding a ring, a giant grin on her face. Then Olivia’s words pulled her back to reality.

“... And Saskia, Saskia is actually the reason we’re standing here today. When I went into treatment and the winery was struggling, Saskia came on-board as an investor.” Olivia paused for a moment, her eyes glazing over Saskia’s. “She literally rescued Cotterill Wines.” Saskia tensed up slightly, grinning nervously as all eyes fell on her. Her fingers fiddled with her glass of wine, and suddenly she wished she had the courage to tell Olivia a long time ago.  _ Fucking crushes. _ Her smile fades and she lowers her head as the couple pull in for a kiss. Another toast, another glass of wine, there was cheering and dancing, but nothing to quell the throbbing pain within her. As the sun started to set, Saskia slipped out of the crowd, cigarette in hand and settled outside of the vineyards for a smoke. The alcohol was fuzzing in her head and her lungs were burning slightly but she really couldn’t care less.

She absolutely did not expect Olivia to walk by with her fiance (her mind growled slightly at the word), and painfully tore her eyes away as the duo engaged in a quick lip lock. Her jaw flexed as she turned away, only relaxing a little when Olivia approached her, offering her cigarette to the newly-engaged blonde. 

“I wished you hadn’t told everyone about the money,” Saskia confessed in a low tone, “It was supposed to be between us.” Her eyes briefly flashed a look of discomfort and jealousy, she really did not need everyone knowing about the $200k she ‘somehow got her hands on to save Olivia’s winery’.

Olivia, however, seemed to disregard her personal fears. “It was a small fortune and you saved us,” she justified.

“That’s bollocks,” Saskia retorted, taking another puff of her cigarette.

“I love you. You know that, right?” Olivia said in a sing-song tune, wrapping her hands around Saskia’s shoulder, pressing kisses to her forehead. Saskia closed her eyes, her body was longing for that physical touch but her mind knew it was better to just stay away.

“Yeah, ok, right,” she laughed, sharing a soft, intimate moment with Olivia, their eyes gazing into each other and Saskia wanted nothing more but to stay in this small little bubble forever. Good things certainly didn’t last, unfortunately, because Melanie came bouncing towards them soon afterwards.

“Show me the ring,” Melanie exclaimed as Olivia eagerly stretched out her left hand. It was the first time Saskia really paid attention to the engagement ring. It was nothing too flashy, a shiny white jewel above a thin, silvery band. She watched in amusement as Melanie swooned over the tiny piece of jewelry sitting on the fourth finger of Olivia’s left hand.

“So…”

“So what?”

“Do I even have to ask?” 

Saskia winced a little and took another puff of her cigarette as Melanie blurted, “Bridesmaids?”

“As if I’d ask anyone else.”

“You’re gonna look great in meringue,” Saskia commented.

“So will you,” Olivia quickly added, nudging Saskia in the shoulder. God, all her nightmares were coming true.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Yeah, we’re going to make the best bridesmaids ever.”

“No,” Saskia insisted, rolling her eyes yet again.

“We’re gonna be so glamorous!”

“No.”

“Don’t be grumpy, Saskia, you don’t have a choice.” But yes, she did, she did have a choice, she could say no and walk off and possibly disappoint Olivia for a lifetime but at least she could protect her heart from the impending doom.

Olivia shook her gently, a pleading look in her eyes and Saskia knew she was screwed. “Please, for me.”

“As you know, I don’t believe in it,” Saskia declared in a last ditch effort to get out of Olivia’s silly idea, “I can’t imagine shagging the same person for the rest of my life.”

“You couldn’t shag the same person for the rest of the week.” There was certainly truth in that statement and Saskia didn’t even bother retorting it. But there were reasons for it, monogamy just wouldn’t work for her… not when Olivia was pretty much all she could think about most of the time. She didn’t even have the heart to maintain a fuck buddy, let alone devoting herself to a committed relationship? It happened once, and she wasn’t the biggest fan of it. (Definitely because that person wasn’t Olivia but she’ll pretend that wasn’t the case.)

That night, she let herself end up in the arms of an attractive, male coworker. It was definitely a quick relief from all the pent up frustration that had accumulated today, but the thought of Olivia getting married still lingered at the back of her mind.

-xXx-

Finding out that Alex had cheated on Olivia, during her most fragile and vulnerable moments, with her cancer nurse, of all people, was mind-numbing. Obviously, Alex had denied it, claiming that it was ‘just a coffee’, but really it was just Mr Monogamy desperately clinging onto whatever little truth he could spew out. Saskia thought the conversation couldn’t get any worse until Alex quickly turned it around and pinned the whole thing on her.

“It’s like you want this to be true,” Saskia crossed her arms and remained silent. “You’ve got an ulterior motive, and we both know what it is. You’re in love with her too. You always have been.”

A heart stopped for a moment and panic rose through her because goddamn, people weren’t supposed to figure that out. “God your idea of sexuality is so fucking binary,” she spat out, “You think that all women are waiting for a pillow fight so they can jump their girlfriends’ bones.”

“That’s why you gave her your inheritance.”

She glared straight at him, “It was an investment.”

“Exactly, you’re expecting some sort of return on your 200K.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the two of them. Alex had hit the situation right on the nail. Maybe she hadn’t started out expecting Olivia to return her the favour in any romantic way, but she wasn’t going to deny she had briefly entertained the idea throughout Olivia’s recovery. One wouldn’t just invest 200 thousand dollars in their friend’s winery just to make them happy, would they? She wasn’t ready for this. Saskia wasn’t ready to be confronted by her crush’s fiance about her feelings for said crush. She shifted around awkwardly as Alex gave her a smug look. Fucking hell.

Alex’s words certainly didn’t hold true for long because Nicole had turned up at Olivia’s bridal shower and the truth was out. “Nicole’s been fucking Alex.” It may have been years ago but Saskia didn’t care, Alex cheated, that sack of lying shit had cheated on Olivia, the most precious woman in existence and Saskia wasn’t going to just let it slide.

“With all due respect, Saskia,” Alex had growled, “Saskia, this is none of your business. This is between Olivia and me.”

“But it is our business. We’re her best friends and we’ll be the ones picking up the pieces. Now we’re the ones who have to break the news to her because you’re so bloody spineless,” she snarled, her voice venomous and exasperated.

“Just keep out of it, Saskia.”

“We’re going wedding dress shopping tomorrow,” her voice low and dangerous, the words coming out slowly one after another, “So with all due respect, Alex, either you man up and tell her or I will.” She maintained her eye contact with him a while more before storming out of his office with Melanie. Saskia spent the rest of the day holed up in her office, struggling to keep her composure together. Wedding dress shopping, tomorrow. Wedding dress shopping, for Olivia, who she loves, less than 24 hours later. All that drama with Alex aside, she hated how she ended up in this situation. There was nothing more cliche or painful to see the love of your life in a beautiful wedding dress that wasn’t meant for you. Truthfully she didn’t know what would hurt most, when Olivia finds out about Alex and falls apart, or just seeing Olivia in her exquisite beauty standing in a dazzling white gown. Alex didn’t deserve Olivia, period. And she’d be damned if somehow, after all this fiasco, they would still end up getting married.

When dawn had arrived, Saskia had pleasantly wished that this was all just a fucking nightmare, that she wasn’t going wedding dress shopping for Olivia because Olivia wasn’t even engaged, that she wouldn’t have to worry about Olivia’s heart getting broken because Alex never cheated on her, that it was just a normal day, without the useless dramatics and she was heading to work, settling court cases. Obviously, that was just a figment of her imagination and she found herself in yet another leather jacket, standing in a wedding dress shop down the street with Melanie.

Alex clearly didn’t have the balls to admit his affair.

Olivia had burst in, all smiles, greeting them in a cheerful tone and Saskia just hated that that beautiful smile would soon be erased. Olivia headed straight to the elegant selection of wedding dresses, unable to control her excitement while Saskia and Melanie hung back.

“It’s been three years,” Melanie commented as she watched Olivia scurry from aisle to aisle, “Maybe it’s just better not to tell her? I mean, it’s just going to cause unnecessary pain. Look, Saskia, she’s happy, it just wouldn’t feel right if we ruined this bubble for her.” Saskia knew it was just the jealousy flowing through her when she glared at Melanie in disbelief. Sure, it was three years ago but that didn’t mean Olivia didn’t deserve to know, did it? And maybe she really, really wanted Olivia to break up with Alex, realise that her soulmate was standing right in front of her all along and give Saskia the dream relationship she has always wanted. So what if she ruined someone’s happiness for her own selfish desires? It wasn’t her fault Alex had the self control of a hormonal teenager.

“Come on you two, I need some gushing over here, please.” The duo shared an uncomfortable look and Saskia straightened herself and nodded slightly. To let Olivia find the perfect dress then break to her the most horrific news, how utterly inhumane and heartless.

The curtains were drawn and there before her stood a real Queen, covered in rare, Spanish lace. It was a magnificent A line wedding dress with a heart shaped neckline, the bottom covered with layers of Tulle cloth. The smile immediately dropped from Saskia’s face as her envy took over, surveying every inch of the dress before taking a step back to get the full picture. Olivia looked like an angel and Saskia had sworn she could have broken down right then. It was all too close to home, this should be unfolding before crowds of guests in front of a priest, not in a small wedding dress shop with Olivia’s mother, Melanie and the store owner. She stood by the side, tensing her jaw and remaining silent while the rest raved over Olivia’s dress. Saskia was aware she was the only one that didn’t seem entirely excited but for once she didn’t care. She just wished they could get this over and done with faster and she can excuse herself from her own personal hell. Olivia turned to face her, eyes gleaming with expectations and Saskia blurted out whatever came to mind first.

“You look…” The tip of her lips tilted upwards slightly. “You look amazing.” 

“I love it. Whenever I pictured myself getting married, this is exactly what I saw.” Olivia started rambling on about how perfect the dress was and how it was like a dream come through.

Saskia furrowed her eyebrows, “You do know you don’t have to buy the first dress you try on, you know?”

“If it’s perfect, you do.”  _ God, what now. How the hell is she going to break the news to Olivia? _ Saskia eyed Olivia cautiously, the blonde was picking up on their weird and awkward behavior and Saskia could barely come up with a logical excuse. “Tell me what you really think, Saskia. I can always rely on you for the truth.”  _ The truth is that you look stunning in that dress and the man you’ll meet down the aisle absolutely does not deserve you. Also I’m in love with you, run away with me?  _ Saskia reached over and gently tucked Olivia’s hair aside, resting her hand by the side of Olivia’s face before spitting out the dreadful words.

“Alex had an affair with Nicole.”

-xXx-

Picking up the pieces was so much harder than pretending those pieces didn’t exist. The look of confusion and disbelief on Olivia’s face would forever be etched in Saskia’s mind. Her shining smile fell apart as the poor woman took off to confront Alex. Saskia’s heart ached for her friend, she didn’t deserve any of this, and despite her track record, she sure as hell could have treated Olivia better in every way. 

“Did you have to wait until I had the big expensive meringue dress on?” Olivia slurred and Saskia slid an arm around Olivia’s back and patted her softly.

“Ok, granted, our timing was not optimal,” she heaved her shoulders as the bartender poured Olivia yet another shot of tequila, “But at least now you know he’s a dick.” A couple more shots in and Olivia was definitely more tipsy but the woman kept wanting more. Saskia couldn’t help but sympathise with her, she knew the feeling of getting her heart broken all too well. And alcohol was certainly a close friend of hers during those early times.

“I don’t want to go home,” Olivia muttered and Saskia immediately pulled her into a hug.

“It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay. It’ll all be fine.”

Many hours later and after getting kicked out of too many bars, Saskia finally managed to convince Olivia to send her home. The two hung around near the street as Olivia muttered a bunch of incomprehensible sentences and made random accusations.

“Did you tell them my fiance fucked my cancer nurse?”

“No, you told them plenty.” Maybe Saskia wished Olivia would stop mentioning that and causing her even more unnecessary heartache. “God, I forgot what a hideous drunk you are.”

Olivia stilled at that statement, her lips scrunched in a dejected frown and her eyes screaming in sorrow. “What’s wrong with me?” Saskia tilted her head slightly and tightened her grip on Olivia. “Why didn’t I see this happening?”

“Olivia,” Saskia breathed, bringing her hands up to cup Olivia’s face, “There’s nothing wrong with you, ok? You’re a goddess, and one day you’ll meet someone who treats you exactly the way you deserve.”

Her words brought a small smile to Olivia’s face as the blonde leaned closer. “I really do love you, Saskia.” In a momentary lapse of judgement, soft, warm lips met the corner of Saskia’s for a brief second. The sheer surprise of it had Saskia staggers backwards slightly and she closed her eyes. It was like a dream come through, feeling Olivia’s lips on hers, but the reality of the situation hit her when Olivia leaned even deeper into the kiss, forcing Saskia to pull away. They couldn’t do this, she would never take advantage of Olivia, especially in her inebriated state. No matter how much she wanted too, it would quite possibly only complicated things further. Olivia turned to look away, while Saskia swallowed thickly. Her mind was reeling with unachievable fantasies and sweet, little fairy tales, all of which would never come through. A grey Toyota pulled over almost immediately and Saskia led the drunk woman into the backseat. Olivia complained and whined but eventually ended up in the car.

“Text me when you’re home.” She closed the door and stood aside as the car drove off, leaving her alone by the side of the street with her lips burning and her heart hollow. She watched with misery and longing as the car passed by her, before gathering herself and heading in the opposite direction. God, she really needed a distraction badly, and she needed it now, anything to stop her mind from wandering into hopeless territory that would drown her in a pit of sorrows. She took the usual path home, pulling her jacket closer to her as tears brimmed in her eyes, coming to a stop in front of a Taco truck parked along the road.

“Kitchen’s closed.”

“I’m not here for the food,” she smirked, her eyes a playful glint and she stared seductively at the woman behind the stand. The tattooed vendor in overalls eyed her back, and before they knew it, they were stumbling into Saskia’s apartment, mouths desperately grasping at each other’s skin. The woman clearly had experience and was talented, Saskia momentarily forgot about Olivia, the blonde replaced by a black-haired woman. Sometime after midnight they ended up in her bathtub, their fingers entwined, two glass of wine sitting by the corner, the room lit up by a single candle. Saskia leaned at a corner of the tub, before pushing off into yet another make out session with the hot Taco truck vendor. She didn’t regret it, she never did. All the one night stands she had was possibly the few reasons that has kept her going throughout all these. Losing herself in other people always felt more comfortable than talking about it to her friends. Besides, no conversation could ever level with the pleasure a couple fingers could bring her.

The days ahead were messy, Olivia was beyond miserable, spending most of her time at the winery or out drinking at bars. Saskia wished she could offer more comfort but she was too afraid it would only tear herself down further. That was until Olivia turned up at her doorstep in the wee hours of the morning, alone and vulnerable, and Saskia’s heart had melted at the sight, enveloping her in a warm embrace and letting Olivia spend the night in her bed. It felt weird, having Olivia sleeping beside her, but in a good way. In a way where she wouldn’t mind wrapping her arm tight around Olivia every night with sheets draped over their bodies. Saskia snuggled in closer, resting her chin between Olivia’s shoulder blades, unintentionally pressing soft kisses onto her back. She felt comfortable and completely at ease with the smell of Olivia lingering near her nose. _ If only this night would never end. _

Her fairy tale ended early in the morning when Olivia confessed to her about last night. “I met with Alex again and we slept together. It didn’t mean anything really, I just really missed him, I still loved him, even though he’s such a dick.” Saskia didn’t really pay attention much after that, her mind too focused on the fact that Olivia fucking slept with Alex again, after he cheated on her, she still went back to him. Why? It didn’t make any sense to her. Her mind was pounding loudly as Olivia left after breakfast, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, what the hell was she going to do if they still followed through with the wedding? Her rest of her week seemed to only get worse from then on, Olivia spoke off a guy she had been seeing for a few days after he visited her winery. Immediately, Saskia knew she had to be way more intoxicated for this conversation as Olivia went on about how nice he was. She was happy for Olivia, truthfully, maybe Olivia had really found the one who could make her happy forever, even if Saskia wanted to scream from the rooftop that it was her. So Olivia might not marry Alex, who’s to say she won’t marry this fancy guy in due time though? Maybe Saskia should really plan a quick getaway from the city, spend a weekend in Ireland or Sweden or whatever, just away from Australia long enough to completely erase her feelings for Olivia. (As if that could work, her mind chuckled sarcastically, it’s been 5 years and those feelings never faded away. A couple weeks away couldn’t do shit for her, but she’ll pretend that’s not the case.) God, she really was messed up.

-xXx-

“I’ll never understand why you did what you did.” Seeing Ginger with her new wife, Grace, felt like a slap to her face. It was glaring evidence that if not for Olivia, this could have been the life she was living. Not at art galleries, per say, Saskia barely gave a shit about art, but it would definitely be much better than whatever she had forced herself into. 

“We weren’t going anywhere.”

“We were practically engaged,” Ginger spat back, “There was someone else?”

Saskia looked down hesitantly, “There were lots of someone else’s.” Displeasure ran through Ginger's face and she stalked off, her high heels clacking loudly against the cemented floor. Saskia glared at her direction, grabbing a glass of wine from the bar and downing it immediately. Sure, they might have had something really good going on, but marriage really wasn’t a thing for her. And Olivia was wedged in her heart, even then, their break up was bound to happen eventually.

They met up for lunch a couple days later after a depressing, black painting turned up at Saskia’s office. Ginger wore a navy blue button down and was already waiting for her when Saskia walked into the restaurant.

“Why the painting?” Saskia cut straight to the point.

“It was a gift, I thought you liked it.”

“Painted by your wife,” Saskia hissed, “About loneliness. If I didn’t know better I would have thought you were mocking me.”

“Maybe it’s revenge for everything you put me through.” Saskia glowered back at her and bit her lip. “What, you don’t regret it, blowing us up?” She asked with an incredulous tone in her voice. “Is sleeping around really that much better than committing to one person?”

Saskia huffed, rolling her eyes, “You knew monogamy wouldn’t work for me.”

Ginger pursed her lips as an uncomfortable silence fell over them. “It was Olivia you fell in love with, wasn’t it?” And there it was again, Saskia wanted to scream and burn her feelings out of her heart. First Alex, now Ginger, did everyone just happen to know about her crush? Was she that obvious? She didn’t give a shit what Alex thought, but Ginger, what the fuck was she supposed to do now?

“Oh god, really? You’re married, what difference does it make? It shouldn’t even matter to you anymore.”

“You changed when she got sick,” Ginger replied seriously.

“Nothing happened,” Saskia cut in before Ginger could go any further, “Nothing will ever happen.” It sounded more like she was trying to reassure her own self, rather than trying to convince Ginger Olivia wasn’t the reason why they broke up.

“But that’s the point, isn’t it? Olivia was your excuse to avoid committing. It was then, it still is now, because commitment scares you so much.” Ginger was partly right, commitment did scare her, but committing to a life without Olivia scared her more. She wouldn’t commit to anyone but Olivia, her useless heart had made sure of it. “Now here we are.” Saskia sighed, she hated it when other people were right but she had run out of clever, witty comebacks especially since her emotions were a mess. Clenching her jaw tightly, she sank into her chair as Ginger leaned forward, resting her palm atop Saskia’s hand. “So, will you finally seize your opportunity to commit, or will you run away and hide in the shadows like a coward?”

It really didn’t matter whatever decision she had made then, because three days later Olivia had called Melanie and her and told them the wedding with Alex was back on. Saskia gave herself a day off to process all of this, (mostly crying about it while drinking glass after glass of wine) because somehow, after all the shit Alex put Olivia through, they were still going to get married. Human emotions really baffled her sometimes. The schedule was much tighter now and Saskia found herself scrambling to confirm food orders and flower decorations and all the little things she never thought she would end up doing. They had a small little bachelorette party the night before, dancing the night away in Saskia’s apartment, a selection of wine and a huge range of food at their disposal. The trio spent the night huddled in Saskia’s bed that was probably too small for all of them but if Saskia could be pressed up against Olivia once more, she wasn’t going to complain.

Tomorrow couldn’t have come sooner and before Saskia knew it, she was standing in front of Melanie’s house, bottle of champagne in one hand, her mind slightly fuzzy from the glass (or maybe glasses) of wine she had before. Because yes, she didn’t think she could get through today sober.

“This is how it’s done, right in your face,” Saskia commented as she gently twisted the cork. It came out smoothly, without any champagne shooting out and hitting her in the face. Cheers erupted as Melanie laid the glasses down. “That’s very professional, thank you very much.” Saskia picked up her glass and took a sip. The liquid was a warm welcome down her throat. Olivia had left for something and she was alone with Melanie in the kitchen, Melanie who was currently pouring her drink down the sink. Saskia quirked an eyebrow as Melanie fumbled around nervously.

“Just, it’s a big day, I want to have a clear head.”

Saskia shrugged, “Luscious hair, hot curves.”

Melanie wrapped her jacket protectively around herself. “Are you saying I got fat?”

“You know that’s not what I’m saying.” She brought her glass close to her lips and shoved her other hand into her jean pockets. Melanie stared at her, distraught, before hitting Saskia with a line of her own.

“You’re one to talk, trying to get drunk at your  _ best friend’s _ wedding for all the wrong reasons.” The way she said ‘best friend’ was almost menacing but in that moment Saskia knew Melanie had figured it all out some time ago. Melanie brushed past her as she headed for the door. “Alright, let’s get moving.” Saskia bit her tongue and finished the rest of the glass in one shot. Screw this.

-xXx-

The winery was beautifully decorated with flowers and streamers and a lot of edible arrangements. The trio headed over to the cabins to get ready and dressed, Saskia adamantly refusing to let Melanie put any makeup on her before she finally relented after Olivia gently pushed her.

“Saskia, stop eating so I can finish your makeup.”

“No, these blinis are like heaven, what does Colleen put in them?” Okay, so maybe she was already a slight bit tipsy and she had lost focus on the important event today. The room fell into yet another deathly silence as Melanie tentatively brought up the affair again.

That was until Saskia leaned forward and faced Melanie. “Fuck shame,” she announced, “Shame can fuck right off, along with cancer. You made a mistake. Whatever, you’re human. A pretty decent human, and a really great mum.”

“You’d be a good mum, I’ve seen you with the girls.” Saskia let out a small grin before the smile fell off the face. Maybe she’d be a good mum, but she really didn’t want to if Olivia wasn’t a part of it as well. She couldn’t even see herself mothering a child without Olivia. Melanie seemed to realise her struggle and eyed her cautiously.

“Is something going on?” Olivia was flabbergasted at the exchange happening before her. 

“Just because I don’t want to be someone’s wife, doesn’t mean I can’t be someone’s mum, theoretically.” She got up from her seat and made her way to the couch. Suddenly, the room felt like it was closing onto her and she had to get out quickly, get out of the room, get out of the building, and get away from Olivia.

“Something is going on,” Olivia exclaimed softly, “I’ve never heard you talk like this, and we’ve known each other for many, many years. ”

Saskia anxiously grabbed her bag, her eyebrows fluttered and her hands were trembling. “I’m heading out for a smoke, see you at the cottage.” She walked away from the pair as quickly she could in those heels, ditching her bag by the cottage door and heading to the patio. Saskia leaned against the wooden fence and let out a huge sigh that didn’t seem to relieve any tension in her body. Her heart was throbbing and she was certain tears were threatening to spill. It was all too much, in a few hours she would watch her best friend get married to that undeserving jerk, and then she would hop onto the earliest flight out of the country, away from the heartbreak.

The clicking of heels broke her out of her trance, followed by a soft, gentle voice that has haunted too many of her dreams. “Is everything okay?”

Saskia swallowed down her tears as she nodded. She fixed her gaze at the scenery ahead, consciously avoiding Olivia’s gaze. “Yeah just, nothing a couple weeks in the sun won’t fix.” Olivia wouldn’t be mad at her if she disappeared after the wedding, would she? But Saskia didn’t know how much longer she could stay there and put on a fake smile when she could feel herself getting torn apart.

“Remember Spain, after uni?” Olivia chuckled and Saskia smiled to herself. That was a time when everything was less complicated and she didn’t have to deal with the possible consequences of her straight girl crush and the white-collar crime she committed. Madrid came back in flashes, nights of partying, breezing through theme parks and cozying up in random coffee shops along the city. The architecture was remarkable and elegant, but they had nothing on Olivia in one of her ridiculous sweaters grabbing Saskia’s hands and pulling her through bustling streets. Regardless of how wild and spontaneous that trip had been, it was undeniably the best few weeks of her life, right before she was thrown into the sea of legal arguments and judiciary headaches.

“God, we were so gloriously clueless, I was gonna take the law by storm.” Yet, a few years down she managed to potentially get herself arrested just so she could make Olivia happy. She fiddled with her fingers, sparing a glance back at Olivia every once in a while. 

The blonde leaned back nervously, “Look at me now, getting all married.” 

Saskia pressed her lips together, turning her head to look at her friend, “It all worked out okay for you though?” Her eyes flickered upwards to look at Olivia’s and looking at the happiness and excitement dance around in her eyes only made her feel worse. She really was hopeless, wasn’t she? But nothing she did could ever quell the ‘what ifs’ in her head, no amount of people she fucked could diminish the intense feelings she felt for her friend. They say time heals all wounds, but Saskia wasn’t certain she could ever move on for this without losing a part of herself completely.

Olivia had picked up on her pain, inching closer and focusing her gaze on Saskia. “You got your dream, didn’t you? Partner in a big city law firm?” Saskia tensed slightly, true, that was what she wanted all those years ago, dominating the corporate law industry, getting in with the big clients. But then Olivia happened, sweet innocent Olivia, and Saskia had ran head first into wanting and loving her, consequences be damned. Olivia had turned into the only thing that Saskia ever truly wanted but also the one thing she could never have. 

“If that’s what you want.”

She could feel the silence pounding in her head, if she just yelled it out would the pain finally stop? “I don’t know what I want,” Saskia trembles, “You’ve got this great life, and this great future, and me? I just wonder-”  _ -what it would be like to be able to share this life with you. _ She struggles to finish the sentence but she can’t. The resounding throb is borderline unbearable but those few words wouldn’t come out.

“None of us knows what the future holds,” Olivia finished it for her and maybe there is some truth in that statement. Nothing is definite, maybe somewhere in the future she will get to live her dream with Olivia, the same vision she had childishly imagined when the realisation first hit, the very vision that she had tried repeatedly to push it away and shove it deep down inside her.

“I’m going to be alone forever, aren’t I?” Her voice cracks slightly and tears are brimming as she turns towards Olivia.

“What?” Olivia exclaims softly, grabbing onto her hands and offering a compassionate smile, “No, no, you love flying solo, right?”

Saskia looked down, trying her best not to focus on Olivia’s hands on hers. After so many years, shouldn’t she just answer truthfully instead of avoiding her feelings left and right? Her voice drops a little as she swallows thickly,“Yeah, I do everything I can to make sure of it.”

“In what way?”

Saskia takes a final look at Olivia, the poor girl didn’t deserve to be strung into this inescapable loop of self-doubt and loneliness. She almost wants to pass off her emotional instability as a result of the estrogen filled wedding, to offer a small chuckle and wear a huge smile on her face, but the eternally gnawing feeling within her forces the truth out of her mouth.

“I’m in love with you.”

Her voice is shaky as she admits it out loud, her hands drop from Olivia’s grip and Saskia retreats a few steps backwards. Leave it to her to ruin the best day of her best friend’s life by dropping an unthinkable emotional bomb. The confused and unsettled expression on Olivia’s face was certainly warranted, she opens her mouth but closes it again. Panic rises through Saskia, she knows she’s made a big mistake, god if she could just keep her mouth shut instead. She grabs onto the railing for support and forces herself to look away, trying not to let herself drown in the worrying silence. After all, silence didn’t mean rejection… right? Her mind is in a frenzy as she struggles to come up with something,  _ anything _ , to break the silence and save whatever’s left of their friendship. She peels her eyes away from Olivia’s, and was about to say something when Mr. Cotterill appears by the doorway and calls for her.

“Saskia, can I borrow you for the moment?”

Saskia looks up at Olivia, before nodding tentatively and walking off.  _ Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. _ She wipes off her tears with the back of her hand as they hurry through the cottage. “How can I help?”

“I think you’d be a better partner for Olivia than Alex.” Saskia is practically numbed, she can’t formulate a response to that, after her confession to Olivia her mind is definitely not functioning properly. “I mean it, you treat her well, much better than probably anyone in her life. You deserve her. And I know for a fact, that she appreciates you a lot.”

“Maybe, but there’s a difference between being in love with someone, and appreciating them a lot. Can’t say I’m convinced it’s the first one.” Saskia stands around awkwardly as Mr. Cotterill let out a soft “Oh”.

“I opened a reserve pinot gris for Colleen, she’s been quite anxious. You can get in on it if you want to.” He points her towards the general direction of the bar, before patting her shoulder. “Take the day off, we’re pretty much done anyways, I’m sure someone else can cover for you.”

“But Olivia-”

“I’m sure she’ll understand, especially after what happened earlier.” He stretches out his arms and pulls Saskia into a tight embrace. “It’ll all be fine for you, kid.”

“Yeah,” Saskia chokes as tears slowly streamed down her face, “Sounds good.”

-xXx-

The realisation that Olivia didn’t love her the same way Saskia loves her really, really felt like a bucket of ice had come crashing down onto her. So much for the ice-bucket challenge. She had practically stationed herself by the bar, taking sip after sip and staring longingly at the commotion outside. Mr. Cotterill had reassured her no one would really mind, almost as if everyone knew she was madly in love with the bride and didn’t expect her to be at the wedding. Saskia lay head head against the table. Whatever, she didn’t care anymore. Tonight, she’ll find the earliest flight out of the country to somewhere far away. She wouldn’t be able to get much work done anyways, not when Olivia was just a drive away and could turn up anywhere in the city. She was so lost in her own thoughts of escaping that Saskia didn’t realise said blonde was suddenly seated before her. Olivia, sitting before her, when she was probably supposed to be getting ready to walk down the aisle because god, the wedding dress on her looked so divine.

“Saskia, hey, look at me,” a soft hand reached out to gently lift her chin, forcing Saskia to make eye contact with Olivia through her tear-filled, blurry vision.

“Olivia…” She rasped out before moving her head backwards, leaving Olivia’s hand hanging between them.

“I just wanted to, uhm,” Olivia fiddled with her thumbs nervously and Saskia relaxed her grip on the glass of wine, “Look, I totally respect how you feel. I just don’t know if I feel the same, exact way.” Her stomach dropped but she braved through the remainder of Olivia’s speech. “I mean, I appreciate you, a lot, like you’ve been there for me through this whole… fiasco. If it weren’t for you, this wedding probably wouldn’t even be happening. But standing in front of the door, I just wasn't sure if I could do this, if I could live a life without you in every step of the way. You’re my rock, Saskia. And I mean it, you kept me going through cancer, through the winery. I know you may or may not have embezzled 200 grand because Alex was really pissed, but it won’t change how much I still really love you. Love you, as in, god I really wouldn’t mind leaving Alex and just hanging out with you for the rest of my life. In fact, I would love it if we could be each other’s forever, like, you know, officially.”

“Olivia Cotterill,” Saskia chuckled quietly, “Are you asking me to marry you?”

“Maybe? I know this whole experience must have really, really sucked. Let me make this the best day of your life. So will you marry me, Saskia de Merindol, today, right now.” Olivia pushed the bar stool aside and got down on one knee with an old, yet oddly familiar ring in her hand.

“That’s the one I gave you during our trip to Spain.”

“I’ve always kept it, didn’t really know why, guess we now know what the ring is for.” Saskia smiled fondly, holding onto the side of the bar to stabilise herself before reaching out a hand to pull Olivia back up to her knees. “You still haven’t given me an answer.”

Saskia let out the biggest grin she could, resting her hands on Olivia’s hips and pulling her close. “Yes, yes I’ll marry you Olivia, in this lifetime and every other one. I’ll be yours, forever.” Their lips met for a kiss that could only be described as absolutely heavenly after years of desire and wanting. Saskia slowly backed Olivia up against the bar, her lips attacking Olivia’s lips and skin and neck and oh god, every part of Olivia just tasted so good.

“Okay so,” The blonde pulled away and Saskia let out a soft whine. After years of being denied she really didn’t want to have to wait much longer. “Dad has a suit for you, or a dress, I don’t know, said he had clothes for a bride who stole the groom’s bride. I personally think you’d look hotter in a suit. Go change and look pretty, I’ll see you down the aisle.” She gently shoved Saskia towards the cottage, where Melanie was waving madly at her. Saskia pretty much just erupted into happiness, she had waited for this day so long she was barely even certain if this was real or if it was just a dream.

“You’re sure, right,” Saskia asked for a final time, “You’re sure you want to marry me, me who probably sucks at commitment and may accidentally make your life a living hell.”

“Maybe you will, maybe you won’t, but we’ll survive it together. I’m sure about this, don’t worry, I won’t leave you waiting at the altar like I left Alex.”

“Don’t even fucking joke about that,” Saskia growled and Olivia gave her one last quick peck on the lips before ushering her away.

It was a beautiful wedding. Arguably, the decorations and the style definitely weren’t Saskia’s, if it were up to her half the decorations would be black. But they had to do with whatever was already planned out. Alex definitely wasn’t too pleased but he did congratulate them both with a scowl on his face. The guests didn’t seem to mind, in fact there were much more pleasantly enthusiastic when Saskia was the one by the altar in a dashing tuxedo that had perfectly fit her. It was almost as if Mr. Cotterill knew this was going to happen and had somehow gotten her a custom fit one. She may have stammered and stumbled through her vows but the endearing look on Olivia’s face washed away all her fears. Especially when Olivia laced their fingers together throughout the ceremony, her thumb occasionally stroking the back of Saskia’s hand to reassure her.

“And now, you may kiss the bride.”

**Author's Note:**

> wedding dress description credits to a friend i asked before proceeding to loosely string descriptive words together. hoped yall enjoyed it. trash me @absolutemperor on tumblr.


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